As I got older and began my career in ministry, I thought it would be great to become a public speaker.  Maybe not be on a major circuit, but at least on a minor one where I got to travel and meet lots of people and be a recognizable name.  I wanted people calling me because they were so impressed with my public speaking skills.

Mmmm, free candy!

I used to give out my cell phone number like it was free candy.  I didn’t care who had it and I generously asked people to text me or call me whenever they needed to or if they ever had a problem or needed advice.  I wanted to “be there” for them.

But, I can safely say that that time in my life has certainly passed.

I don’t know when, exactly, I switched over to the Introverted “I” in the Meyers-Briggs personality test.  I once heard a friend in ministry say that he was an “extroverted introvert” – a term which I could completely relate to.  Sure, I don’t have a problem talking to people and speaking in front of a large crowd (or being a Lector at Mass) doesn’t faze me in the least.  But, I don’t really want to go to parties or events with large crowds anymore.

And, practically everyday, I wish I could change my cell phone number so that no one except a very select few would have it.

I often think, too, “Maybe i should just delete all my e-mail accounts and create a new, secret one, and not give out the address to many people.”

Heck, it’s even crossed my mind to delete my 6 year old Facebook account and get a fresh start with a new, friendless one.

It’s not that I don’t like people or that I want to be secluded from the world.  But, I’ve realized that the idea of Holy Family’s “hidden years” appeals to me so much.  Being a housewife and mother, known to my family and some close friends is enough excitement and drama for me.  Nurturing those relationships and working on myself – trying to be the best wife, mother, sister, and friend that I can – seems like enough daily challenge for me.

I don’t want you to think that I am trying to bury my talents away so that I don’t have to risk anything with them.  And, I’m definitely not about trying to avoid what God is calling me to do (I think I have the conscience AND support system to be made aware of something that God might want me to do).

Inspirational saying.

On the contrary, I think this IS what God is calling me to – a hidden life, away from the drama and needs and distractions of other people’s issues and lives.  I feel that He’s calling me back to a simple life with better focus, one that seems almost basic.  I’ve become distracted and busy and lost in the world.

My goal in this “hidden life” is to reestablish my complete dependance on Him and pray as St. Terese did, “Jesus, help me to simplify my life by learning what you want me to be – and becoming that person.”

She goes even further and says, “Our Lord needs from us neither great deeds nor profound thoughts. Neither intelligence nor talents. He cherishes simplicity.”

And, so, that’s my desire, a non-complicated, simple, hidden life.  I don’t think it’s too much to ask from the Lord, but it might be a lot to ask of the world!

The opinions poured in!  Unfortunately, most of these opinions were not shared in the comment section on the blog itself, but rather through Facebook and other social media.

Many of the comments argued with me on whether or not these books would be considered pornography by the Church.  In my original post, I wanted to get away from the plethora of Christian bloggers who are deeming these books inherently sinful.  I acknowledge that there’s a danger in these books leading to sin, but I made the argument that I don’t think they constitute a grave wrong in and of themselves.

I was wrong

Tell my husband to mark it on the calendar – these are not words I often say!

I spent days searching to try to find an answer about whether or not erotic literature was considered pornography in the eyes of the Church…in vain.  I couldn’t get a clear cut answer from any of the sources I looked to, and so went about trying to interpret the Catechism of the Catholic Church’s comments on pornography to see if they applied to books like these.

One of the things I did was a Google search for “Catholic erotica” (a potentially dangerous proposition).  Surprisingly, it was not inappropriate stories about Catholic school girls that showed up, it was news reports from Germany about some German bishops who owned a stake in a publishing company that sold erotic books.  A German newspaper reported that the Catholic Church was selling porn, and the bishop’s threatened to sue saying that erotica is not porn.  Chalk one up to me, I thought…even the German bishops agree with me!

A few months later, Pope Benedict addressed a letter to the Church of Germany that covered a variety of topics, but included a line or two in reference to the publishing company scandal.  Here’s what he said (emphasis mine):

A relationship that does not take into account the fact that a man and a woman have the same dignity represents a serious lack of humanity.

With the materialistic and hedonistic tendencies that seem to be gaining space in the West, there is a growing form of discrimination against women.

The moment has come to energetically halt prostitution as well as the widespread distribution of material with an erotic and pornographic content, including through the Internet in particular.

The pope said the Holy See would encourage and assist the Catholic Church in Germany so efforts against these types of abuse would be more decisive and clearer.

When I read that quote I imagined Papa Bene face palming and saying, “Duh!”

So, while there still seems to be some kind of line between erotic and pornographic – clearly the Pope is indicating here that both constitute a grave wrong that should not be continued.  Shortly after this letter, the German bishops sold their share in the publishing company.

So, these books may not be porn, but even erotica is disordered in the eyes of the Pope and if it’s good enough for the Pope, it’s good enough for me.  After all, there is a legitimate concern that what starts as not lustful could easily turn into lust, and I can admit that while in the short term, my conscience is clear of grave sin, I don’t yet know the long term effects that reading these books could have on me or my marriage.

The Bigger Problem We’re Missing

The discussion that ensued after my last post also brought up another problem I think is even more important to acknowledge and discuss – a big problem.  Throughout these comments and discussions there’s a question that keeps nagging me.  I asked it in my original post, but didn’t clearly answer it:

Why are these books so popular?

These books are hanging tight at the top of the New York Time’s bestseller list, and libraries are reporting waiting lists of 300 people or more who want to check them out.  They’re most popular among married women over 30 – and as I mentioned before, those women are reporting that the books are “relighting a fire” in their marriages.

The crux of the issue…

One woman commented on my last post saying,

Think about what the husbands … are asking. “Here hunny, read this. My buddy said it made his wife desire him more, and I don’t think you desire me enough, so I’m giving you this illicit book to hopefully get the affection I need from you…since I’m not enough on my own.” The message is much more subtle when delivered, and might be missed, but it’s there.

She’s absolutely right.  The fact that these books are so popular – particularly among that specific demographic speak to a widespread epidemic of passionless (or at the very least passion-fading) marriages.  The women I know who love these books love them because they spark arousal they had forgotten – they remind them of a desire they have for their husbands that can overcome even the worst day of changing diapers or office politics.  No more “headaches” or “I’m just too tired” in these bedrooms – these women have read something that rekindled their passion and sensual confidence.  It’s no wonder husbands are asking their wives to read them!

Falling Through the Cracks

One person who engaged in the discussion commented:

I’m not judging the book or you Kristin but I have one question, Is there a better book you could have read, a book with Christian values, instead of the 50 shades of grey book?

What a great question!  If there is, I don’t know of one…and that’s a problem.  The Catholic Church has some amazing books written about holy, married, sex, but most of them are written in a way that’s inaccesible for the average person.  Pope John Paul II’sLove and Responsibility gets pretty specific in talking about what an ideal sexual encounter between a married couple looks like – including suggestions on using foreplay to build up to the woman’s climax so that both spouses can ideally orgasm together.  But as much as I love JPII, his book is not an easy read – it’s not super accessible.

We also have Christopher West’s The Good News about Sex and Marriage.  West also gets pretty explicit – he talks openly and honestly about all kinds of questions married couples would have including things about oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, and orgasms.  While his book is an easier read than Love and Responsibility, it reads more as a Catechism than something designed to enhance holy married sex.

That the Fifty Shades of Grey books are so popular – and specifically among that certain demographic – indicates a huge area of need in our Church.  They indicate the need for us to support and encourage holy married sex – the need for us to help women and men find a way to spice up their marriage and rekindle their desire, but in a way that is not so dangerous or have such potential to lead to sin.

Called to Greatness…Not Comfort (In Bed)

The topic is often uncomfortable for our Puritan prudish senses, but our discomfort does not relieve us of the responsibility of serving marriages in this way.

Please? Someone? Because the culture is doing more than just talking about it – it’s screaming at us. We have a responsibility to respond in a way that’s full of Truth and Love, but that’s also accessible and real.

So how do we do this without crossing the lines?  How can we help these married women who are looking to books with perverted themes and borderline pornographic scenes to rediscover their desire for their husbands?  How can we help husbands to encourage that arousal in their wives without sending them to the erotica section of the bookstore?  How can we talk about holy married sex in a way that does its best to avoid leading people into lust?

I don’t know the answers to these question, but I know that the popularity of these books is screaming at us to notice this previously hidden and private problem and do something about it.

Are there resources out there that I’m just not aware of that can help with married couples rekindle the fire and rediscover their desire that are not erotic or pornographic?  If so, please, please share them in the comments!

***********************

Well, I did it.  I read Fifty Shades of Grey .

I had been hearing a lot about it.  I saw an SNL skit about it and heard The Today Show talk about “mommy porn.”  I’ve encountered Twitter debates about the morality of the book, and seen my Facebook friends post all about it.

As a high school youth minister I’ve found myself reading and watching things I never would have chosen myself just because I want to be able to talk to teenagers about their faith using stories and examples from things they love.  That’s why I read Twilight and Harry Potter, it’s why I watched Glee (though I only made it through 3 episodes) and Jersey Shore (not even one full episode with that one).

Then, my husband sealed the deal when he came home one night begging me to read this book.  I love to read and I can be a bit compulsive and addicted to it – sacrificing things like making dinner or doing housework in favor of a good book.  My husband is not a fan of my reading addiction – he even has a special eye roll and sigh that he pulls out when he sees me sitting in the recliner with a book – so when he came home asking me to read something, I jumped at the chance for some uninterrupted and non-badgered reading time.

I knew very little about the book before I read it – just that it was a modern romance novel with some pretty explicit sex scenes in it.

The New York Times describes the content of the book saying, “The books, which were released in the last year, center on the lives (and affection for whips, chains and handcuffs) of Christian Grey, a rich, handsome tycoon, and Anastasia Steele, an innocent college student, who enter into a dominant-submissive relationship.”

That’s putting it mildly.

The sex scenes certainly are beyond steamy – some of them are pretty kinky and a few are downright freaky.  Let’s just say items like riding crops, rulers, floggers (whatever those are!), and the like are not within my comfort zone – they’re not within a lot of people’s comfort zones.  So why are these books (they’re a trilogy) sitting atop the NYT’s Bestseller List and showing up on SNL?

The Times says quotes one married woman who says:

“It’s relighting a fire under a lot of marriages,” said Lyss Stern. “I think it makes you feel sexy again, reading the books.”

It certainly worked for one friend of mine.  Her husband texted my husband telling him that he had to get me to read this book because his wife read it and they were definitely “relighting a fire” in their marriage (now I know why my husband was so eager for me to read it).

For the record, they do a lot more talking about tortuous sex than actually doing it. And yes, the writing is really that bad.

On the other hand, the book has quite a few critics.  It’s slow moving plot and overblown prose won’t win it any literary awards.  Then there are those who object to the bondage and dominant/submissive content of some of the scenes saying its degrading to women.  There’s some weird stuff in the female main character’s head about her “inner goddess” and her “subconscious” who play basically play the role of her id and superego respectively.  But the criticism that’s engaged me the most is from the Christians I know who are warning their friends off of them saying that it’s basically pornography and is would be sinful to read it.

I’m not sure I agree…

Now, I want to be clear about something.  There is a lot in this book that I found morally questionable and somethings I found downright wrong.  Let’s start with the fact that these are two unmarried people who begin a relationship on purely sexual grounds and exclusively for the sake of pleasure – that certainly does not uphold the sanctity of sex as unitive and designed for marriage.  There isn’t a single sex scene that doesn’t mention contraception as a key element – their sex isn’t procreative either.  I find the dominant/submissive context to be more than a little disturbing and the (very few) scenes in which it is actually used (as opposed to the many scenes where it is talked about) certainly do not uphold the inherent dignity of the two main characters.

Pornography

But is it pornography?  Is it sinful?

The Catechism of the Catholic Church defines pornography as:

Removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties.(CCC 2354)

The Catholic Church teaches that the human body should be respected, because of the dignity that Christ bestows on every person, and pornography involves exploiting the human body and viewing the body as an object.

Maybe not porn, but definitely not suited for anyone not married!

Well, see, here’s the thing.  The sexual acts in this book – they aren’t real or simulated – they’re fiction.  They’re made up and imaginary.  And the people engaging in them – they aren’t real either.  We can’t uphold the inherent dignity of a person who isn’t real.  And there are no images of the body – nor is the author particularly descriptive about the sex organs (she’s more into describing action).  In fact, the parts of the body that are most mentioned in these books are the eyes (of both characters) and the girl’s hair – and neither are what I’d call exploited.

I’m not sure that the argument that the books are morally wrong because they are pornography is accurate.

Lust

One person I know argued that these books are sinful because they inspire lust in the people who are reading it.

Back to the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes. (CCC 2351)

Okay, I see a potential area of concern here.  After all these characters are certainly lustful for most of the story.  They both seek sexual pleasure isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.  But then I go back to the woman quoted in the New York Times and my friend.  They read these books and were inspired to turn to their husbands in passion.  Heck – so did I.

But is that lust?  After all, to have sexual feelings for one’s spouse or to enjoy sexual pleasure with one’s spouse is not only fine, it’s according to God’s design. To lust is to seek sexual pleasure in another person solely for one’s own pleasure without regard for the other person.  But if these books inspire to desire my husband and enjoy sexual pleasure within its procreative and unitive purposes…then is that wrong?

Clear Conscience

My conscience is clear in reading these books.  I read the first one to be informed, but I could have put it down and stopped after the first kinky scene – the way I stopped watching Jersey Shore after only part of one episode.  And let’s be honest, not only did I not put it down, I kept right on reading straight through the other books in the series.  Okay, let’s be really honest.  I started reading at 7PM one night and read straight through book two until almost 5AM the next morning.  Then I spent most of that day home in my sweats reading book three.  (I told you I’m addicted.)

My conscience is clear because I didn’t objectify my husband after reading these books or even fantasize about having sex with Christian Grey.  I have no desire to engage in any of the freaky (disordered) sex acts described in the novel.  The books w ere an entertaining (though not good in a literary sense) read that had the added thrill of making me desire my husband more.

Not porn.  Not lust.  Call them a “marital aid.”

Especially if we’re all being all unitive and procreative about it!!

Word of Warning

The irony here is that so many people are so black and white about these books – either they think they are great or they think they are evil.  The reality is that there are 50 Shades of Grey to the morality of these books (see what I did there?)  Which is why I am not blanket recommending or condemning these books.  I don’t think they are for everyone and I think that they certainly have the potential to lead to sin…which may be enough to convince you to avoid them altogether.

My thoughts come with many caveats and prefaces…

• If you are in a loving Catholic marriage and
• If you’re looking to spice up said marriage and
• If you and your spouse generally try to uphold the procreative and unitive aspects of sex in your relationship and
• If you can clearly find the line between reality and fantasy and
• If you do not currently struggle from a pornography addiction and
• If you have someone with whom you can discuss these books who can call you out if you start crossing the line into lust and
• If you can read through the first couple steamy sex scenes without being totally weirded out and
• If you plan to read all three books,

Then you may be able to avoid sin when reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

However, if you do try it out and get through the first book, please promise you’ll read the whole series.  The second two books walk through the character development of Christian and Ana including the abuse he suffered that has wounded him and caused his perverted view of sex and his process of healing into a more rightly ordered and self-giving love that isn’t lustful or damaging.

One last disclaimer:  I take full responsibility for these opinions and you should in no way think that my opinion accurately reflects anything even remotely official from the Catholic Church regarding these books.  I’m quite willing to discover that I’m wrong

Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey?  Agree with me?  Disagree?  Is erotic literature the same as pornography?  Please comment and let me know!

“He loves really well.”

A couple of days ago I heard a talk at a youth minister’s gathering here in Minnesota. The talk wasn’t earth shattering, but for some reason I couldn’t get this phrase out of my head.  “He loves really well.”

I went to youth group in the 90’s so of course I know the ridiculously dated DC Talk song Luv is a Verb (Here is the video if you

Luv is a Verb, even in 1989.

dare.) I know that love is something I do, not something I have. I know that the greatest act of love is Jesus’ self-sacrifice on the cross. I get the concept, but I honestly had never heard someone qualify another’s ability to love.  “He loves really well” got me thinking about how one could love well or poorly.  Even as I write this, I feel like an idiot – this isn’t new information.

Why was this phrase blowing my mind?  I’m not sure I have an answer yet. What I do know is that I want to love really well.

I don’t want to just love sufficiently.  I want to love really well.

Can you imagine turning to your spouse on your wedding day and saying, “I love you honey. I love you just enough so that you aren’t too frustrated with me.  I love you just enough so that you don’t complain too much about me to your friends.  I want to love you just sufficiently.”  Can you imagine looking your children in the eye and saying, “ My darling children, I love you.  I love you just enough so that you aren’t lacking for anything too critical. I love you just a little bit beyond where you could blame me in future counseling sessions.  I love you just sufficiently.”

How selfish?  No one would say those things.  But I know that I often love just sufficiently.  Love is really hard work, and my laziness often leads me to love just enough.

We all love God just sufficiently sometimes.

When it comes to God, we often don’t love really well.  We often sound like this, “God, I love you.  I love you just enough to pray for 2 minutes this Sunday even though I can’t get to Mass because I have a tournament.  I love you just enough to be generous with my friends even though I am not so good to my family. God I love you just enough that I won’t go ‘all the way’ with my girlfriend even though we have done pretty much everything but that.”  We say with our words that we love God totally, while our lives scream, “What is just enough ‘loving God’ so that I don’t go to hell”?

Loving someone just sufficiently isn’t love – it’s self-service.  Doing for others just enough to get what we want is using them.  So often our faith practice is about getting what we want, loving God only sufficiently.

There is good news.

God doesn’t love just sufficiently – God loves very, very well.  God loves abundantly, overwhelmingly, totally, completely, unconditionally, ridiculously, irrationally, freely, and forever.  And if someone can “love really well,” that means it is possible to get better at it. I can turn it around. I can love better tomorrow than I did today. I can love better tonight that I did the rest of the day.  The good news is that God loves perfectly and by God’s grace, we can love better.

Love really well today.

Please don’t be mad at us!

Please accept our apologies for our serious lack of blog offerings over the past week.  It’s not that we don’t care to bring you spectacular Catholic insights or keep your Facebook Newsfeed, inbox, or Twitter accounts buzzing.  We do.

However, we are but four lowly youth ministers who are also all parents and spouses.  And, you may have noticed that May is a VERY BUSY time of the year.  I will not assume that this time of the year is any busier for us than it is for anyone else, but it is exceptionally busy in the world of youth ministry.  We have all been wrapped up with graduating senior events, final youth group meetings, wrapping up PSR/CCD classes, Confirmations, getting summer trips/forms/money/arrangement finalized, etc.

Please accept our sincerest apologies for not making our blog writing a priority and know that we DO love to write and will have a plethora of offerings for you, your friends, and families as we draw closer to the summer.  We thank you for your loyal readership and hope you’ll stick with us because if you’ve liked what we’ve written so far, there’s plenty more where those came from!

Have a happy end of the school year and may you not be too overwhelmed with activities, either!

-The Catholic Realists-

I’ve made it 7 years w/o owning a clown, chicken, gorilla, or any other type of costume.

But, there is a huge, huge, HAAA-UUUGE misunderstanding about what youth ministers do, particularly for people who aren’t actively involved in youth ministry or who don’t have youth of their own.  And, not surprisingly, the teens don’t “see the forest for the trees” so to speak.  They (and many others) think that youth ministers spend a lot of time “hanging out with teens” or “going on fun trips” or “getting pies in their faces” or “eating pizza.”

While all those things are undoubtedly things that most of us have done (what youth group would be complete without pizza or messy games?), that’s not WHAT WE DO.  Those are things that happen that we participate in.  We don’t pursue this calling, this VOCATION, just to go to summer camp or water parks.

So, here is a very, very short list of some of the roles/jobs that are required of youth ministers…some of the things that people may not realize that we do on a regular basis.

1.) Teacher & Google

Our number one job is to catechize the youth of the Church.  We have a responsibility to teach them the truths & teachings of the Catholic faith in a orthodox way that they can understand, discuss, and process.  And, not only do we have to know and understand WHAT we’re teaching (and do so in a systematic way), but we have to be ready to be a human Google about any and all faith-related questions.  No matter how prepared you think you are, teens have an amazing talent of asking the most random, outside the box, unexpected questions that you DIDN’T plan for.  But, you’ve got to be ready to answer.



2.) Event Planner

Every single week, at least once a week and sometimes more than once, we have to event plan.  From food to engaging activities to handouts to prayers to atmosphere, every detail has to be lined up and ready to go.  We worry about enough to eat, the right lighting, the sound system working, the teens having a good time.  Every.Single.Week.  And, on top of that, there are ACTUAL parties we plan – Fall Kick Off, Advent Party, Retreats (at least 2-3 a year), Senior Dinners, etc.  We get really good at knowing how much food to bring and what kind of music sets the right mood.

 
3.) Spiritual Guide/Moral Compass
We are in constant conversation with the teens who are in the youth group (some more regularly than others).  And, that means constant questions about their spiritual lives, making moral choices, living rightly, etc. come up. Some teens are very open and keep you up to date on everything happening and want your advice practically daily.  Others will hit you up via text, phone call, Facebook message, etc. only when there’s a big problem or they feel confused, anxious, need prayers, lonely, sad, whatever emotion.  We have a huge responsibility to be in direct conversation with the Holy Spirit on a regular basis so that we can do our best to respond and guide these young people into the love of Christ.



4.) Supporter/Cheerleader
Games.  Concerts.  Performances.  Buying what they are selling for teams, choirs, groups, etc.  We are there as much as we can.  We are supporting them constantly via social media.  We have to be aware of big tests, auditions, games, college submissions, try-outs, whatever so that we can ask about it, cheer them on, and support them through the process.  We have to encourage them when those things take precedence over Church things (as they do, more often than not).  We feel their joy when they succeed and their hurt when they fail.

5.) Reference

If there’s a college scholarship, organization, group, or job that needs a reference letter for a teenager, we have probably written a recommendation, filled out a form, or answered questions over the phone.  If a kid is regularly involved in the youth group (and, heck, sometimes if they are not!), the youth minister is generally #1 on the list to ask for a recommendation.  And, boy, those things can be difficult to write sometimes!

6.) Confidant

On many occasions, we are brought into serious situations happening in teens‘ lives, families, and relationships.  And, I do mean serious.  From deaths of family members and friends to abuse in homes to suicide attempts to drug problems and teen pregnancies (just to name a few), we’ve all been there.  We’re often contacted first by the family or been told in confidence about something before a counselor or police officer.  We’ve lost sleep, cried, sought counsel, prayed and prayed and prayed some more.  We’ve watched pain unfold, seen teens leave the faith, and, thankfully, seen healing and growth, too.

Ultimately, the vocation of youth ministry is a call to LOVE a very specific group of people in ways that are very specific to their needs.  And, it’s anything but easy.  It’s an uphill battle 90% of the time.  It’s a thankless job where maybe 10 out of every 100 teens or families ever offers gratitude for what you’ve done.

But, we don’t say “yes” because it’s easy and we don’t do it to be told “thanks”.  We do it because it’s part of the mission of the Church – it’s OUR part of the mission.  Though my time as a youth minister will soon be coming to an end, my love for the young Church has not and will not ever change.  Being a youth minister has formed me into the adult, wife, mother, and friend that I am.  I am thankful I was called to it.

“Teenagers today don’t even know how to form a complete sentence because of technology.”

“People who use social media all the time don’t know how to engage in ‘real’ relationships.”

“He took his own life because of Facebook.”

“140 characters of evangelization? More like 140 characters of narcissism.”

I recently attended an in-service about using technology to pass on our faith and I was more shocked than I should have been at the vitriol (sorry, sometimes the English major in me really cannot pass up a great vocab word) that poured forth from my peers.

I shouldn’t have been shocked because I’m aware it’s out there – I hear it occasionally from parents, parish staff members and other adults I know. I was shocked partly because I’m so immersed into the culture of the inter-webs (as my grandmother still calls it) and social media that I can often be blind to its downfalls, but also partly because I just flat out disagree with so much of the criticism.

Authenticity

One critique I hear is that the anonymity of the Internet allows us to try on different personas and different attitudes in different places. This may have been true even 2 or 3 years ago, but today? Today, my Facebook and Twitter accounts are linked to my blog. My LinkedIn account talks to Google+ and any photo I take with Instagram gets posted on all my social networking sites. In other words, today it’s all connected.

Instead of fostering deception and masks, social media today challenges us all to a new level of authenticity. If I post something politically controversial to my Twitter account (which is more public and contains a lot of people I don’t know in real life), it’s only a short matter of time until my real life friends on Facebook are calling me out on it. If I make my way to a blog ‘s combox and start trolling away – posting hate and judgement, the people there can, with just one click, discover that I am a Catholic who actually works for the Church.

Now, that’s not to say that the whole “trying on of different identities” doesn’t still happen. It certainly does – but it happens outside social media as much as it does inside it. After all, I’m a little different with my Catholic friends than I am with my old bartender friends, and I’m a little different with my family than I am with the teenagers I serve…and I’m not naive. I know that the teens I work with are a little (sometimes a lot) different when they’re at our youth group than they are with their friends, and that they’re different with their family than they are on Facebook.

As Catholics who are using social media and technology, however, we are called to a greater authenticity – and we are called to challenge our brothers and sisters to that same authenticity when we see inconsistencies. We can only do those things, however, if we are actively engaged in using social media to build those relationships.

Meaningful Relationships

That challenge to build relationships within social media leads to the most common critique I hear: that technology has impeded our ability to form genuine, meaningful relationships. I understand where this criticism comes from. When you enter a room full of teenagers (or youth ministers) to see them all staring down at the glowing blue screen, fingers flying, but not actually looking at (let alone speaking to) one another, it is easy to jump to conclusions…and some of those conclusions are justified.

Before you jump to those conclusions and blame social media for all of society’s ills, let me present you with a different perspective.

When I started as a youth minister, I was young, fresh out of college, and unmarried. I am not any of those things any more. I’m old(er), just completed a Master’s degree and married with three children. However, most of the youth ministers I know are still young and unmarried – it seems to be the way most youth ministers start.

For a long time I struggled because I felt like, while I had some great friends and colleagues, I couldn’t truly relate to any of them. I didn’t have anyone I could talk to about the demands of balancing an active call to ministry within the Church with my primary vocation. They didn’t understand how torn I felt when I had to pass of our Bible study group to another adult in order to honor my time with my family…or worse, how heart wrenching it was to say no to have to leave a sick child at home to go on the Confirmation retreat.

We could talk about ministry in practical terms, tell funny stories about our teens, and laugh together as we shared our lives and our dreams with one another. But no matter how much I tried to build up those relationships, it always felt like there was something missing.

Then 7 years ago (holy cow, I really am getting old), I traveled to the mountains of Georgia to meet, dream, and vision with some of the greatest and holiest Catholic youth ministers in the United States.

Important clarification...they are great and holy, I am not ... in fact, I'm not really sure how I ended up in this group and I keep hoping they don't find out that I am, in fact, a giant fraud who does only adequate ministry, often forgets to pray, and is not even remotely graceful.

At Camp Covecrest, I finally found what was missing. I found youth ministers who were married with young children – who weren’t just doing youth ministry as a side job to bring in a little extra pin money at home, but who felt actively called to live out their baptismal call to serve the Church…and who shared in the joys and sorrows of this secondary calling in light of the demands of our primary vocations. I made some of my greatest and closest friends in those Georgia mountains.

LifeTeen's Camp Covecrest in Tiger, Georgia.

Here’s the thing – this gathering happens only once each year…and some years our family demands keep us from being able to attend. Each of recognized the treasure we had found at that gathering, and we realized that the true Christian fellowship and accountability we needed and wanted could not happen if we only met up once a year.

So we took to social media. We took the relationship seed that had been planted in our face to face encounters and nurtured it with technology. We challenged each other, prayed with and for each other, and we always looked forward to our annual retreat together. I have found some people with whom I am able to be vulnerable and weak, but also witty and fun. They like me, and I like them. We enjoy the virtual time we spend together and look forward to regular updates from one another.

We briefly considered creating a commune together. I think they think I'm kidding when I bring it up...

Social media did more than just enhance our relationships. It allowed us the freedom to create real Christian fellowship outside of the constrains of time and distance. Social media prevents people from having meaningful relationships? Ridiculous! Social media has formed and shaped some of the most meaningful and important relationships of my life.

To be clear, social media does not completely replace the joy of face to face interactions - as I type this, half of our TCR crew are on our yearly retreat together at Covecrest. We've been eagerly anticipating this since last year, and are sad that half the crew couldn't make it this year.

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows

Social media hasn’t caused all of society’s ills, but I don’t labor under the delusion that it can cure them either. Like any tool, social media and technology can cause as many problems as it can overcome. However, instead of dismissing it as unimportant – or worse, rejecting it altogether – let’s work to create a standard for use that fosters the kinds of relationships I was able to find and develop there. Let’s hold one another accountable to an authentic life, allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and enjoy the freedoms that this medium allows us.

Just like St. Paul used the signs and symbols of the Roman empire to convert and enter into relationships with the early Gentile churches (Acts 14:8-20 and 17:16-34), we can use social media to enhance our relationship with Christ and with each other.

Actual photo of me in the am. Plus, Goofy is the bomb diggity.

I set my coffee maker.  Clean it out from that day, prep it for the next morning’s brew, and put the timer on.  When I know that coffee is ready and waiting for me when I wake up, I am exactly 78% more likely to not mind getting out of bed.  It’s scientific fact.

I’ve written a few times (for you, it probably feels ad naseum, for me, it feels like it’s barely been brought up) about my running.  When I don’t get my daily run in, my wife doesn’t really want me around.  I’m sort of wacky-hyper-abrasive-irritated.  I’ve got all that pent-up energy – I haven’t worked through things how I do every since day – I haven’t pushed myself to exhaustion – I haven’t stimulated myself.

What I imagine the view from my front window looks like. I have a good imagination.

There’s something else I do every single day – and without it, the day is all off.  I start out each day by giving it to God.  Ok, I get my coffee first.  And then I sit on the couch next to my front window with my prayer book and just “be” for a bit.  Then I tear into Morning Prayer – allowing my focus to be on giving the day to Christ.

I know, I know.  It all sounds so cliche.  But here’s the thing – just because it’s cliche doesn’t mean it isn’t true.  Just because we hear it all the time doesn’t mean that we don’t need to hear it once more to take it to heart.  Just because we know it doesn’t mean we’re putting that knowledge into action.

So stop putting it off.  Stop saying that you’ll start tomorrow, or next Monday or after school ends or starts or after exams or after this or that is done.  Start your day off in the way that matters the most – the way that can impact your day and your heart and your life like nothing else can.

Tomorrow morning, get up and give the day to Christ.  Do it again the next day.  And the day after that.  You’ll be shocked at what Christ can do through you when you truly open your heart & your day up to Him.

But, I think I want to commandeer the TGIF expression and change it to TGOF – Thanking God On Friday.  As we are all prone to celebrating the end of the week and the freedom of the weekend ahead, maybe we should take a few minutes to look over the past week and say “Thank You, God, for all the good things that happened this week.”

So, here I go.  I’m going to set the TGOF ball rolling…

Saturday – I am thankful that the weather was nice and we were able to enjoy the Bloomin’ Festival as a family.

Sunday – I am thankful that we had a good turn out and a great night at youth group.

Monday – I am thankful for all the great people on the Pastoral Council who work so hard to serve the parish.

Tuesday – I am thankful for a great friend who invited me out for “grown-up time” and for my husband making it possible for me to hang out with her.

Wednesday – I am thankful for Mass and Chick-fil-A breakfast with a faithful group of teens.  Also, for good conversation with the evening Bible Study group.

Thursday – I am thankful for generous people who gave me maternity clothes and some new shoes for my son.  Also, for good dinner provided by my mom and for a mini-doctor’s appointment for the baby with Dad.

Friday – I am thankful that it IS Friday and also that the weather’s warm enough for my niece and nephew to come over and swim with their cousin.

(One thing I am NOT thankful for on this Friday, though, is that a chipmunk got into the kitchen from the screened porch, where the cat was tormenting it.  And, now it’s trapped under some cabinets until my husband gets some.  Ooooh, that scratching noise is NOT cool.)

So, I hope you’ll take a moment to TGOF today.  Hopefully you’ll be pleasantly surprised by all the GREAT things that happened this past week.  Enjoy your weekend!

This chart has nothing to do with this blog. But, it's good for a laugh on a Friday.

Totally not how I look, because I dress much more stylish and run much faster.

Yesterday morning, for the 115th day in a row, I laced up my running shoes and dashed (in my own head) out the door for my routine morning run.  Walking down the driveway, I did my hamstring stretches, reached the road and started running.  As I ran down my street, I began my run how I always do – with the prayer “Lord, I give you this run, I give you this morning, I give you this day.  Lord, I give you my heart.”

And then I don’t remember anything else.  I mean, nothing, except having a sub-par run.  It’s like it didn’t happen, except I know it did.

Generally, focus is something I’m good at while I run.  It’s what keeps me running – on days that I can’t focus, I know I have a lousy run in front of me – and I can usually tell pretty quickly.  But usually I can still work through some things on my mind and on my heart – be they family related, work related, friend related, etc.  Running is my time for communing with my Creator, with the depths of myself, and with attempting to not get run over.  Sometimes that order gets messed up.

But either way, yesterday, whoooo boy, the run wasn’t terrible, it was just sorta lousy – but moreso, I don’t remember a single thing I thought about or mentally wrestled with or prayed about throughout the run.  It was as if my mind was just blank for that 60 minutes and 21 seconds.  (Cue the joke: how is that different from normal for you, Joe?)

Sometimes, even the wise old own can't focus

Some days, we just don’t have it at work.  (Should I worry that this feels like the majority?)  Some days we just don’t have it at home with our families. (My poor wife.)  We’re just confused or distracted all day.  We can’t really focus, we’re low on energy – there are different ways not “having it” can manifest itself, but I think you are all picking up what I’m laying down.

There are days that I’ll have been in my office, thinking I was doing work and when I go home at the end of the day my wife will ask what I did all day.  And sometimes, I draw a blank.  I won’t remember a single phone call or email or anything from the day.  (Then I secretly wonder – did I seriously just stare at the wall all day?)

A few years back, I was talking with my spiritual director about sometimes just drawing a mental blank.  Usually when we’re going through a day and we don’t “have it” we know that, just like I do when I’m not all locked in on my run.  And we were talking about burnout, or just needing a small break, or how often I go on retreat – things like that.  And then he stopped and said something along the lines of “You know, sometimes, we’re just not all there – and we’re just distracted or confused.  And when that happens, we can’t just stop.  We can’t run and hide.  Life continues, and so we must.  Sure, it’d be great to go on a retreat every month to avoid this, but that isn’t realistic for someone in your situation.  Sometimes,” he told me, “you’ve just got to suit up and show up.  Sometimes, just being there physically is all you’ve got.  And you’re going to have to be ok with it.  And everyone else is going to have to be ok with it.”

There are days we just don’t have all of our ducks in a row, that our energy is below the Mendoza line, or that every squirrel and shiny objects takes us away from what we’re trying to do.  And sometimes, we’ve got to be ok with that.  Sometimes, all we’ve got to offer is our presence.