Oversimplified morality – in 3 parts

Working in youth ministry with junior high and high school students over the past I don’t know how many years has given me lots of things.  First, it’s given me an incredible amount of failures.  It’s given me a lot of entertainment and laughs.  It’s given me gray hair.  It’s given me headaches and sleepless nights.  It’s given me countless privileges to walk on a faith journey with a young person.  It’s given me lots of tears, stress, extra hours of prayer, challenges, successes, awesome retreats… ok I could go on.

One other thing is that it has given me a little bit of insight into the heart and ind of a teenager.  I’m not claiming to have all the answers – I’m not claiming to be very smart – I’m claiming that my experience with teens over the last 12 years has given me a little bit of insight with teens.

I hope that isn’t too much of a stretch.

Ok, why all this?  Because, morality. There are so many well-meaning people at our parish, at other parishes, and from who knows where telling me we need to do more things to teach morality to our teens – but it all sounds and feels more like “you need to crack open their heads and brainwash them into thinking this one thing that I think is the end all be all issue and it needs to be this.”

And we do morality nights – on chastity, on obeying God, on pro-life, on stealing, on cheating… etc.  Do I expect a big turnaround in the life of teens based upon these nights?  Heck no.  It can start a discussion or get them thinking, but if convincing others of the truth were as easy as one 90 minute youth night, well, we probably wouldn’t have too many youth nights.

I’ve come up with a bit of a theory here – and it is that teens essentially need 3 things to really be empowered to make good moral choices in their life.  All three of these things are important, none of them is a quick fix, and they all take efforts from the teens, the parents and the Church.

So this, I guess, is a 4 part series – and you’ve just read part one.  Congratulations!  And I realize, this told you nothing more than – Hey, I’m writing a morality series!  Parts 2-4 will come out about every other day for the next week or so – so stick with me.

Again, I’m not claiming this is the end all – be all.  And I’m not claiming that this closes the book on teen morality – this is my discussion starter – based on my experiences loving, being rejected by, listening to, supporting, praying for, praying with and observing teenagers.

Yeah, but…

When I was in high school, my parents used to refer to me as “the yeah buts girl.”  My husband will tell you that if you that I am a master of excuses (I prefer to call them “reasons”) and always seem to manage to get out of doing things I don’t want to do.  My friends will tell you that I my favorite word is “actually” as in:

No matter how you pronounce it - it's sweet creamy chocolatey heaven in a jar!

Friend:  Have you ever experienced the hazelnut and chocolate deliciousness that is Nutella?

Me:  Actually, it’s pronounced New-tella.

I like to argue and debate.  I enjoy the challenge of using reason and logic to manipulate my way out of tasks I don’t enjoy or into projects that pique my interest.

I haven’t decided yet if it is fortunate or unfortunate that my son has inherited my affinity for debate.  He’s only 7, but is quickly honing is manipulation skills. Here’s a taste of a typical scenario:

Vinny, I need you to go clean up the toy room.

Awww…Mom, do I have to clean it up all by myself?  I wasn’t the only one to make the mess.  It would be fairer if you had Elizabeth come help me since most of it is her mess.

No, Elizabeth is doing something else for me right now, I want you to go clean up the toy room.

How about if I just clean up half of the mess and then when she’s done she can clean up the other half?

Vinny, I just want you to go down and start cleaning.  Don’t worry about what your sister is doing, just get it done.

Can I clean for just 15 minutes?

No, you’ll clean until it’s done.

But what about Elizabeth?  What about her toys?

Vinny (said in the “mom tone” that warns, “I’m starting to lose my patience”).  Go. Down. And. Clean. Up. The. Toy. Room.

Can I get a drink first?

(By this point, I’m almost ready to yell.) No. Now!

When he first started working in his debate skills, I’d let it slide.  After all, given my track record I thought it would only be fair to give him his chance to try to change my mind.  It quickly got to the point, though, that I would dread hearing the phrase “how about…” come out of his mouth every time I asked him to do something.  My husband and I agreed to change tactics and now, whenever we hear him gearing up for an argument we gently remind him that he needs to be obedient. Now the scenario sounds more like this: Read More